“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
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The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.