my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
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*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is