Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
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Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.