ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
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By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
What a chick magnet..
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.