Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
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Monday
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
just pretend nothing happened
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”