Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
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Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
that wasn’t the question
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.