[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
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hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
こいつ天才
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
craving $300 all of a sudden
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.