“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
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[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Feels like the fourth month in January
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep