taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
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If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books