If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
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Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.