Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
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Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun