I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
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In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you