Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
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I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
it was love at first sight
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.