Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
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Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
[adds another nod to the conversation]
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.