If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
You Might Also Like
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.