Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
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Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Ha
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
i- i did not expect this
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.