I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
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Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.