HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
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It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.