In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
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Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
This will teach them to underestimate me
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down