You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
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Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Had an epiphany today.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.