Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
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ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Kermit goes Blue.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.