The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
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EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Stick it to the man
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?