At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
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I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
🤣
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.