gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
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Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Every time my phone rings