“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
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FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.