if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
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Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.