SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
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idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
For when Tinder doesn’t work
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.