people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
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I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing