We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
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Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.