motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
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[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit