How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
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If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.