Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
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While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.