If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
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Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Ugh
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund