me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
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We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Do not go gentle into that good night,
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.