If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
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WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Well, this explains it:
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
found my next D&D character name
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!