ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
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How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos