Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
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The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
Before & after 😅
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.