I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
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[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”