I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
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Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
RT if you could go either way.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar