*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
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Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Something Saturday.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”