As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
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No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.