If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
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There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
#MeanwhileInCanada
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?