Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
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God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics