It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
You Might Also Like
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
twitter users today:
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man