I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
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5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.