I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
You Might Also Like
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it