American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
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looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Check out the legs on this baby
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds