When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
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If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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I still have Pringles?
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.