My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
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Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance