I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
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My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.